Good morning!

Or good evening, more like it.

Just thought I would pop in to see how my favorite blog land people are doing... Well, your blog queen is doing great. No more hemorraging for me, although I had a little (HUGE) scare yesterday, and ended up back at the emergency for about 4 hours bleeding aaaaagain. But you know, it stopped, and they figured they didn't want to operate aaaaaaagain. So I went home. And so far so good. No bleeding. *fingers crossed*

And HALLELUJAH!!!!!! *cues the choir* Today... I ATE! FOOD! Solid FOOD! Well, it's not actually SOLID. It's still really really mushy, but it's the closest I've gotten to eating real food since Dec. 21st (almost 10 days ago!). I had a Hot Chicken sandwich. For those of who unfamiliar with the term: It's basically a chicken sandwich on a plate with a lot of gravy poured on top. It sounds gross. But it's really good. Yummy. Especially when you haven't had any solid food in 9 days lol. I swear, it was the yummiest piece of high gastronomy I've ever had. Mmmmmm. Ok, enough about that.

Finally, I just thought I would post a pic of the "Happy Days" back when I was still in a "relationship" with "love" and "commitement". Uh huh. Love. And commitement. BULLSHIT. Love sucks. You know that?

Yes, we're naked. Well, he is. I'm um... Wearing invisible clothes? I don't get naked in front of cameras. Me? Never. *shifty eyes* Oh, and for those of you wondering... I'm the hot one. lol. You know? The girl? (Yeah, some people read my blog, and don't even know me...)

Hey, wait... Is it mean to post a pic of someone else on your blog on the Internet when people you don't know read it? And you don't have that person's permission? Hmmm... Oh well, he can always post those um nice pics he has of me on HIS blog. Oh wait. He doesn't HAVE a blog. Ghettoooooo, right Eric? :P

Anywho, I'm out... Kinda giddy too... I'll explain soon! HIHI! It's finally happening! :D

Love ya's!
Stephanie xoxox

Life and death, anyone?

Well, it's official. My life sucks. You all know what's been happening lately with my ex, and my future loves and picking and all that... Well... This morning something ELSE went wrong. I'll start with my eyes opening this morning.

10:19 AM:

God, I am soooo going back to bed. Go pee, change tampon (TMI, I know)... Go back to bed until 2PM. I mean I did go to bed at 4AM. But first, since I can't really swallow my spit while I'm sleeping, I spit in my little designated spit thing and all I see is red. Not little fillets of red. Just RED. As in blood. Remember what the doctor told you, if you spit more than two mouthfulls, then you worry. Ok. that was one. Spits again. That was two. Still as red. Spits again. Red again. That's three. Which is more than two. MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
What, what? I'm already half dressed. Mom get dressed. NOW. Why? Look at this. She looks and in about 2 minutes, she's dressed too. While she dressed, I send bimbo an email, out of desperation I think, I don't know why. Call a cab. It couldn't drive fast enough. I'm sitting in the back seat spitting blood away... Kinda gross. But a necessity. In total, I SPIT about a quarter cup of blood. Who's to say how much dripped down my throat while I was sleeping?

I get to Verdun Hospital's emergency room, it takes about 30 minutes for me to get through to triage, which is pretty good, I would say. She looks down my throat, it's not bleeding a lot anymore, so she puts me as a priority 4: Non-life threatening. Uh huh. I sit in the waiting room. I decide to go outside to make a quick call, but I can barely dial, and I'm called in to see the doctor. The doctor must of thought I was more than a priority 4, huh? Triage whore.

Anywho, the doctor is like me, a student, so she looks, and says, ok it's not actively bleeding anymore, which is a good thing, but the bad news is: If it bled like that before, it will probably start again. So, I'm going to go see my supervisor, see what she says and I'll be back. *she brings my blood that I spit in a cup and takes it with her to go show the REAL doctor*. Real doctor, who looks super mean, comes into the room with this god awful perfume, leans her very low-cut-shirted boobs in my face, looks in my throat, and says, Ok, I'm going to call Dr Ste-Marie who is also an ORL, she works with Dr Picard (the one who operated on me the first time), and she will probably have to cauterize this for you.

I'm escorted from the ER to her office by this really really HOT orderly, and she takes me in right away to her office, because she had just walked into the hospital when they paged her. She takes me into her office, she puts this super high-tech looking head thing with a light on it, and looks into my throat. Go figure, the bleeding's started again. Majorly. So she has to ASPIRATE the back of my throat with a really weird looking metal thing. Kinda like this thing, but metal.

So yeah, first she freezes my throat with this really really PUTRID tasting stuff (Pour mes tit francos: DEGUEUX!) and then she waits till I'm done almost puking because of how gross it is. I start coughing and spitting tons of blood again, so she goes in, sucks out all the shit to get a better view of the back of my throat, to see where the broken vessel is... So she knows what to do. And I'm thinking, well there's a cauterization machine right there. She's gonna use that. I'm gonna faint and scream, but she's gonna use that. No no no no, happy thoughts, no no no no... Well, I kinda got my wish. She COULDN'T use that, because the bleeding was like super way back in my throat, and she could only get at it, go figure, in the OPERATING ROOM. So... Guess what, kiddies? I was going back to get operated. Again. For the second time in 6 days. Oh joy.

Go figure, the operation room was going to be free in about an hour, more good luck, and I was headed back to the one day surgery ward to get preped. As soon as I walk in, this one nurse, the one who answered all my questions last time (just figured that out now, though, so I couldn't even thank her) she's like HI FUTURE NURSE! Don't tell me...? Oh, it's bleeding again. Well, you know the drill, get naked, put this gown on, take your jewerly off... You know. Yeah, so I got naked, took my jewelry off, put the gown on and hopped on the bed. Within about an hour, maybe a bit more, I was headed back off to the OR for the second time in less than 6 days (if you count the hours and all that, it had been less than 6 days lol).

This time, the aenesthesiologist, I was like dude. Deal, you're gonna TELL me I'm going this time. As in "You are going now". I don't want to wake up again and be all WTF? So we made a deal. We was gonna tell me, if I didn't cry. I didn't cry, so he told me. He was like, OK, I'm going to inject it now. Within 15 seconds, you'll be asleep. Within 8 I was gone. I was just looking at the ceiling and then it was going blurry and then boom. I wake up all fucked up. I'm like woooooo. Not again. I hate the feeling of just waking up from general aenesthesia (I know, that I'm such an expert lol). You're all WTF? You have no idea what's around you. You want to open your eyes, and you do for about 2 minutes, and then you're like SUPER tired. But you're in pain, so you can't sleep or anything.

I was laying there crying, and the nurse was like what's wrong? I'm like yeah, I kinda haven't taken my codeine in a while, and this really hurts... So she went to look in my dossier and surprise surprise there was some more of that yummy Dilaudid waiting for me. Woot. Some intramuscular (the one that lasted like 5 hours) and some IV which acted right away. Woot. I was all... Woooooo.

Well, my blood pressure was super low (think 85/56) when I left the hospital, I'm weak, I'm tired, and I'm going back to bed. But first, just a little recap of my dumb luck:

-I wake up at 10:19AM, and find blood in my mouth. Bad.
-I get to the hospital by 10:42, not bad, pretty good, I think
-I get into the ER and there's one person ahead of me in triage
-First person get into only triage room, has chest pain... This could be long...
-But, second triage room opens: She's back from break
-She gets it all done within about 10 minutes, I'm sent to wait in the waiting room. Priority 4? Long wait ahead.
-But the doctor thought different, I'm brought in within 5 minutes
-When residents go see their supervisors it usually takes about 25 minutes, mine is back in 3
-Specialists: Waiting list = 3-6 months. Me = 3-6 MINUTES
-Surgery: Waiting time = a hell of a lot more than an hour. Me = One hour

Joy? JOY! I am so lucky.

Yeah, my mom called Benoit before to tell him I'm alive, but that I hemorraged, and that I was operated on emergency style. All he said was "Oh". Meh, don't care. He'll explain eventually. I guess. Who cares?

Anywho, the sick little puppy is off to bed,
Stephanie xoxox

Happy Day After Boxing Day!

Hey all!

How are you all? I'm doing suprisingly OK. I woke up this morning with blood in my mouth, which freaked the living shit out of me... But then, it stopped and it was only a little... I was so scared that it was my scabs bleeding and that I would have to go to the emergency or something. That would NOT have been cool. I don't think I could go through that much pain again. BUT, it stopped, so no more freaking out. All is well.

Today, I ate. I decided, you know what? It's gonna hurt whether I swallow or not, so I might as well stop being a miserable person because I was so hungry all the time... So I had some watermelon, and I had some pasta for dinner. God that was nice. I needed the energy. My dad has been calling my house NON stop since my surgery to a) make sure I'm still alive and b) to see when I'm coming over for dinner. I'm gonna try to post-pone this thing for as long as I can... But eventually I'm gonna have to tell him that I'm just not with Benoit anymore. GOD. I don't want to tell him. He's gonna be a total bitch about it, laughing at me, telling me that I can't keep a man long enough for him to meet my father... God. NOOOOO. I'm gonna tell him he can't come to dinner because he's working, but that I'll come anyways. And then in like February I'll tell him we broke up. That should work. Right? lol.

Yeah. I sent him an email last night (Benoit, not my dad) about how I want my stuff back. I cried for the first time in a longggg time when I wrote that. I didn't even cry when we broke up... I didn't cry through that, but writing that email was just... Hard. I don't know why, but God was it hard. I wish I hadn't sent it, because honestly... I don't know if I WANT my stuff back right now. It's a pillow that HE'S been sleeping on all this time... And it's gonna smell like him... And I'm gonna get all mushy-assed and I'm gonna sniff it and be like OMG it smells like him and crying and all that. And you know what? I can't deal with that right now. No, I really can't.

Wow. My life really is like an american soap opera. Hmmm. Go figure. I thought my RELATIONSHIP with Benoit was a soap opera, like my friend Imane said... But it turns out, it's my ENTIRE LIFE. Hmmmm. Wow. I like this!

Did I ever say I was a total slut...... For attention? Not just bed, asshole!

Anywho, the slut is out,
Stephanie xoxox

Happy Boxing Day!

Hello to all!

Well, it's official! This sucks! I can barely sleep... I can't breathe properly... I keep chocking on my own SPIT! It's just terrible. I don't like it! I feel like sulking like a little baby!!! Damn this all to hell!!!

Well, there's not much else to tell. Except, I've found my New Year's Resolutions. Here they are:

1) I'm quitting pot. It makes me all... Dumbbbb! So no more of that, because I'm not dumb, and I don't need to BECOME dumb.

2) I'm gonna try to quit smoking. I know it's gonna be hard, but I'm gonna try. Try. That's all I promise for 2007.

3) No more unprotected sex. No matter how much I trust the guy, no matter that I'm taking the pill, that we've both been tested... I don't care. It's something of myself that I don't want to share with anyone anymore. I can't just say that I'm not gonna have sex AT ALL. Cuz we can't all be strong like a certain Italian babe I know and be abstinent. Plus, I know that I'm kinda like... A nympho, so giving up sex would be kinda hard. But never again will I let a man plant his seed inside of me unless it's for a damn good reason. Such as: Making babies. That's the only good reason.

4) Dude, I am so over you! With your being immature, making me cry for fun, telling me you love me, then telling me you don't, kissing me like... like that in your car on Tuesday then ignoring me?! What the FUCK is wrong with you? Are you on CRACK?! I don't know who died and said that you could play with my head like that but it's OVER. I'm done being played with by you. We can be friends if you want, it's kinda what I would want too, but if you're gonna continue being a dick faced player... Sorry, no can do. Thank you, come again! (Edit on Dec 30th: Turns out, he wasn't ignoring me, he just worked like 55 hours this week, and I dunno... Read more recent posts to understand further)

I think that's it! Those are a pretty decent set of resolutions, don't you think?

The bitch is out,
Stephanie xoxox

Merry Christmas!

First of all, merry Christmas to all my faithful blog readers.

Secondly, on to my recovery:

God, this sucks ASS.

I am in soooooo much pain, I want to literally roll into a little ball and die. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to swallow, it hurts to blow my nose (which I still haven't figured out how to do!), it hurts to lick my lips, my neck hurts, my jaw hurts, I have two black eyes... I basically look like someone had a HUGE grudge against me, and decided to try to murder me right before Xmas. But all jokes aside, if anyone IS mad at me, and wants me dead, now would be a GREAT time to follow through on that. Thanks.

I don't know what else to say, aside from the fact that I've had like the equivalent of a morning snack's (not literally) worth of food in the past 80 something hours.

I've had:

3 applesauces
3 yogourts
2 styrofoam cups of carrot soup
1 styrofoam cup of brocolli soup
1 milkshake
2 freezies
1/2 cup of cooked pasta
2 mashed potatoes

God. Seriously, I am so hungry, but just THINKING of eating I'm like NAHHHHHHH. So what I'm gonna do right about now, is I'm gonna go get a yogurt, and I'm gonna take about 15 minutes to eat it.

Love y'all!

Stephanie xoxox

P.S Hi John! :D

Mission: Operation

Hey all,

I will keep this post short. Because as soon as I try to make something long, I don't make sense anymore. I think it has a little something to do with the fact that I'm on a LOT of codeine, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's something else. Nah, it's probably the codeine.

Anywho, yesterday at 10:45, I was at the hospital, sitting there in the waiting room. At about 12:15, when they still hadn't called me yet, I went and asked... Hmmm... Did you forget me? And she was like, no, you're just the last one getting surgery today. So... We're only gonna take you in a lotttt later. So I'm like ok, ciao, I'm going to smoke now. I figured dude, if this is my last cigarette, I'm gonna pump this like it was made of gold. So I did. And then, I came back up to wait. At 1:30, when they STILL hadn't called me, I took it as a sign, snuck back downstairs (I was on the 5th floor for my surgery) and smoked my truly last one. God was it amazing! Anywho, as soon as the elevator door opens, my mom was like Dude, they just called you in... So... I go in. They ask me tons of questions, totally random ones, that I'm not even gonna repeat (all about keeping it short). I'm sitting there, my blood pressure is like 125/80, and it's usually like 110/60... so obviously I'm stressed. The doctor comes in to see me, I'm just sitting there with my pink teddy bear. It's the one I gave my granny before she died, and she died with it in her hands. So I kept it. And I think it was kinda like my good luck charm yesterday. Anywho, they wheel me into the whole operating room thing... My mom can't come, she has to stay behind the doors, I'm like sobbing, I love you, I love you. Anywho, the anesthesiologist comes to see me, he's like here's some kleenex... Then I'm like bombarding him with questions, will I dream while I get operated? Will I remember being intubated? Can I still back out? (kidding on that last one). So he's like yeah, you're gonna dream. But what's cool, is that you get to pick your dream. So I did. He puts in my my IV, just puts in the liquid part, no drugs yet. First, they inject something that burnnsssssss my vein as it goes in.... I'm like um Dr, something is burning my vein, he's like oh don't worry, that's totally normal. I'm like um Dr, my ears are really warm... He's like oh, don't worry, that's also normal. Then he says, I hope you picked your dream... Which I had (MSN me about that... :(...) Next thing I know, I open my eyes in a totally different room. I'm like um where am I? They're like the recovery room. Do you have any pain, I'm like yessssssss. And they wanna know how much. I'm like 9/10. They give me Dilaudid (10X more efficient than morphine) once in my thigh, and three times in my vein directly. I'm like woooo. Falls asleep. Then they come ask me, are you ready to see your mommy now, and I'm like wide awake, YES!

My mom gets my prescription slips and while I'm in the surgery ward, she goes and gets my pills. While she's gone, there's a nurse that comes to see me and she's like how are you hunny?, I'm like I'm OK, I guess... I wish I had more pills, because this really really hurts. So she was like but they've already given you a LOT of morphine, I'm like no, it was Dilaudid. She was like oh yeah, that's right... Nursing student... I'm like yeah... I heard I was breathing at 7 per minute before, how much am I at now? She was like you're up to 10, all good. Also, why did they change my IV bag while I was in the recovery room.... She was like they changed it once during your surgery and once in the recovery room, because your blood pressure was super low (90/70). They were trying to make it go higher. Uh huh. Also, when will I be getting MORE painkillers? She's like yeah, you're only gonna get more once you get home and take your own. DAMN YOU ALL. So I'm like, OK, I'm going home then. She's like, first, you need to eat this yogurt, then, you need to get up and go pee. THEN, you can go home. Yogurt goes down... OK. Took me 15 minutes, but it went down. Next. Getting up. Wow. My legs were SOOOO wobbly. Walking to the bathroom was like the longest walk of my life. Yeah, then sitting on the toilet, then getting up, then getting DRESSED... Ohhhh... Yeah. So, finally, I get home. It takes me like a long time, but I get there. Taxi, waiting for the taxi... Getting up all those stairs... God.

I get home around 7:15PM... I call my dad, my cousin, to tell them I'm still alive then head to bed for a little while. While I'm sleeping my ex calls my cell. So when I get up, I call him back. Using my tiny little "I just got my tonsills taken out" voice, his mother picks up. First thing she says: "OMG! Not HER?! I thought this shit was over?!" So, even when I've just had surgery she's a total bitch? Good job, you low class... Lalala. Well, it turns out she didn't remember I was getting surgery... And she thought I was calling with an "I miss you, I'm crying." voice. Anyways, I still think she has no class. Anywho, there's no point in sinking down as low as her and insulting her on live TV (internet).

This morning, I woke up with a superrrr swollen tongue and you know that little hangy ball in the back of your throat? Well, it's so big, that I keep chocking on it in my sleep. Even when I'm not sleeping, really. All the time. OMG! It sucks. I hate it.

Anywho, c'est tout!

I'm gonna go back to bed (I basically have been sleeping all this time.)

Love y'all. Stephanie xoxox

P.S Since Thursday midnight I have eaten:

3 applesauces (only because they had crushed codeine in them)
2 styrofoam cups halfway full with carrot soup
1 milkshake
1 freezie (the little ones)
And now, I'm gonna try for mashed potatoes. Ooooh there's carrot in there too. Woot.

Breakup songs and such...

Yeah, I know that less than two months ago, I was online with THREE breakup songs, but I don't think I can beat that this time... Maybe. Who knows. Anywho, here they are!

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then Id unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day ---> Diamond Rio

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Save Me" Unwritten Law (amazing song, GO DOWNLOAD!!!)

Had a bad day, don't talk to me, gonna ride this out,
My little black heart, breaks apart, with your big mouth.

And I'm sick of my sickness
Don't touch me, you'll get this.
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,and you hate me!

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call,
And everything, everything's my fault.

Went to the doctor, and I asked her to make this stop.
(whoa)
Got medication, a new addiction,
Fucking thanks a lot.

I went to heaven, but couldn't get in,
For what I have done.
I said please take me, they said you're crazy!
You had too much fun!

I think that's it for me with the breakup songs tonight. I think both of them are pretty.... Heartfelt.

Why? Why RIGHT before Xmas? WHYYYYY?! AHHHHHHH! MENNNNNNNNN!

*swears she's becoming a lezbo!* --> I'll even post pictures :P

Anywho, I swear I'm done for tonight!

La seule et unique, la Stephanie!
xoxoxoxox

Getting better at this!

Hey folks!

Just wanted to pop in to say hey-hey! And, also, I've made a decision: No more talking about my love life online. Well, on MSN, yes... But not on here. I was checking the people that read this.... I have readers in Germany, Fort Lauderdale, University of SHERBROOKE?!, tons of places like that... So... I don't think I need to broadcast my single-occupied-single status all the time on here.

But just to make it clear:

SINGLE.

But in the process of becoming UNsingle. Long story... MSN me about it!

Luv ya's,
The one and only, Stephanie xoxox

Well hello there, you strangers, you!

Hi,

Well, I know no one still reads this, because well, I never post anymore... But I just need to vent. That WAS the original purpose of this blog... For me to be able to vent out my anger, my resentement... And trust me, right now, I have a LOT of anger, and a hell of a lot of resentement.

I'll start at the beginning of this whole fiasco:

About a month ago, things started going wrong for everyone around me. My best friend lost her job, my mom had a stroke (a lot more serious than the rest of this bullshit, in MY opinion), and obviously, this bad luck affected my boyfriend too! He started having a lot of trouble with this one nursing class, that one class that affects your continuation in the program, his car woke up one morning and died, his mother started becoming unbearable... And at the same time, HE started becoming unbearable. He was moody, mean, cruel, hard to live with... But he begged me to give him TIME. So I did. I put up with the moodiness, the meaness, the... All of it. I just stood by him thinking that it would all get better.

And on Thursday night, he got a NEW car. A brand spankin' new Toyota Yaris 2007, in black of course (he IS a man, after all!)... And I got to be the first female passenger, always an honor. We took a nice long ride, and he looked at me, and said: I've finally found the right passenger. It was obvious to me that he was talking about more than for his car. I took it to mean: I want you by my side for a longgggg time to come. And I was happy, and extatic... And I thought that all the pain that I had been going through was finally over.

Friday comes along, and he has to come to school. I'm already there, so we're supposed to meet there. We end up missing each other by like a MINUTE. But, we're still supposed to eat together then go to the see a movie, and then like every Friday night, I'm supposed to sleep at his house. At around 5pm, he calls me to tell me that I can't sleep at his house, because his mom doesn't want me there any more. Right. She hates me. What MORE can possibly go wrong.

Well, go figure, that more DOES go wrong. Even though I can't sleep at his house that night, I figure we're still going on our nice date... I had done my hair, my makeup, I had shaved my legs in god knows how long (still waiting on that stupid waxing lady to have some time for me!), selected my hottest outfit with my heels, stockings, hell, even new lingerie! But he calls me back and says: Forget me for tonight, I can't be with you. I'll call you EVENTUALLY! Bye. Click! Rightttttt, as if I'm gonna take THAT for an answer, I call him the next day, and he gives me the same shit, I'll call you when I'm ready. RIGHTTTT. We all know what THAT means. It meanssssss: His mother's opinion of me is more important than the love that he SAYS he has for me.

So in resume: That means, he SUCKS. He hasn't even called me back to dump me yet. Which it's totally obvious he's gonna do. Maybe I'll just have to beat him to it... I dunno. I just don't know now. You know when you sacrifice soooo much of yourself to be the perfect girlfriend? ... Even though I WILL admit that I had my totally terrible moments, especially when I yelled at him for nothing, but I put up with soooo much for him... And the only two promises he made me, he's not gonna keep: 1) being there when I wake up from my surgery on Friday (3 days before Xmas, go figure) and 2) spending Xmas at my dad's with me. So... It looks like a pretty shitty Xmas ahead for moi.

Like I said above, I'm getting surgery on Friday, those of you who read this, probably remember me bitchin' about my tonsils all the time! Well, they're coming out! FINALLY. After almost 6 months of wait to get a date for surgery. I finally did, and it's the 22nd at 12pm. Oh joy. And now, no boyfriend to wake up to, which only makes the stress even bigger. I'm soooo gonna need Ativan (look it up, it's a great invention!) before they put me under... AHHHH! I don't want to! I really really don't. I do, but I don't. Get it?!

About Xmas at my dad's.
A) Not going alone.
B) Not taking the bus there when I'm doped out on Vicodin (Look that up 2, amazing invention!)
C) Not going there without him, so my dad can make fun at how I can't keep a man.
D) I was only really going so my bf (ex, wtv) could see the ass I grew up with.

Life sucks.

And like my friend Sare has told me so many times in the past to cheer me up:

Men suck, men suck, men suck FUCK!!!

Anywho, I'm out, final exams tomorrow! 2 left and I'm outta there!!! :O Woot!

Nighty night,

Stephanie xoxox